Golden, Scary, Scarce. You chose an adverb.
This past Thursday night, I was going to indulge in an In-n-out double-double last night, but I never made it. I put a half heart invite out on social media; too short notice-so much for spontaneous outings with other humans. But I am getting off track…
I walk over to my truck, unlocked the door, opened the door, and got in cab. I closed the door; and I hesitated putting the key in the ignition. In that moment of hesitation, I realized it was the first time in three week, I was not surrounded by noise. For the last three weeks, my being was completely immersed in chaotic sounds. Inside the noise insulated cab of the truck, I was removed from my normal environment; the whirling of fans at night, the screaming college students, the busy coffee shop, the mindless chatter of people, the “background” music I pump through my headphones.
Just this last week I found a website that streams the symphony of a coffee shop (www.coffitivity.com), one of my favorite places to go to write! Point being is that I have a habit of adding noise to my life and it is not as beneficial as I wish it was.
But even more evident was the quiet of my mind, the lack of vexation of coursework. I realized that school had become more and more taxing mentally, especial in the last month after Easter break. All this noise, both environmental and mental, has been wearing and tearing me down over the course of the semester and was evident in the my interactions with people and disposition towards school, it has become a bit bitter and negative.
Silence is deafening- the faint buzz of tinnitus that is barely noticeable in the course of the regular day, but turns into dull roar in the absence of noise. I found myself wanting to turn on the radio to drown out the silence. Silence is painful when one is so accustom to a constant dull roar of overt ambient noise. It was physically painful not to hear ambient noise. I need to practice silence, it was painfully evident that I am not accustom to the lack of noise and that is not a good thing in my book.
I do isolation, not solitude. I do quiet, not silence. The soul needs solitude- I need solitude. Solitude is silence and isolation with intention to seek God. it was modeled for us by Jesus retreating from the crowds to pray, Elisha in the desert, and by Moses as he would leave the camp and convent with God
In a life that I saturate with noise, I need to get away from it…
At the close of this semester, I am painfully aware of how much I need to establish some good habits this summer. Part of this is going to involve removing much of my internet consumption; restricting screen time and access to social media. The other part is establishing habits in a few different spiritual disciples- I hope to outline this after finals: which disciples, why those particular ones, and what I hope to accomplish.
Until next time (after my finals week), I pray that peace be upon all of you.